The Incredible Bad Film

You just can’t beat a good-bad film can you. The kind that makes you want to simultaneously turn it off and turn it up. The warped beauty that someone, somewhere at some point of post-production must have said something along the lines of, “brilliant, we’ve nailed it!” Bad direction, dreadful writing, wooden acting, the kind of editing that could make a critic go into convulsions, but my god when done properly, they can be bloody entertaining! For me, the thing that separates the good-bad and the plain terrible is budget. If the budget is high then you simply can’t forgive them for making such a hash of a film i.e. Battlefield Earth (2000). An estimated $73,000,000 went into making what is essentially a set of curtains opening every few minutes to  reveal several actors doing their utmost to ruin their careers. The screen wipe worked in Star Wars, but in this it just adds to the feeling that you are being sucked further and further into a cinematic cesspool.

So whilst Battlefield Earth makes a little bit of sick come up in my mouth, coming in with a budget probably much closer to $73 is The Incredible Melting Man (1977). With a script that would be more at home etched into the back of a public toilet door, and acting that makes Keanu Reeves look comfortable on screen, absolutely everything points to the fact that this should be utterly unwatchable, but it isn’t.

Let me run you through the tale. Steve West is an astronaut. On a deep space mission he is exposed to a blinding light, which kills all crew bar him. Dissolve back to Earth, where he is fully bound in bandages. In a hospital that looks more like a derelict warehouse. We learn from none other than Dr. Ted Nelson that he is melting due to some garbled radiation based nonsense. When Steve awakes he is understandably upset, and after tearing away his bandages to reveal the horror beneath, his vanity pushes him to decide that the best course of action is to break free and go on a killing spree. “He’s going to need human cells to live on.” Dr. Nelson informs us. Cue a slue of innocent deaths. A nurse in the most horribly ill-fitting outfit, a fisherman, an amorous old couple all fall at the mercy of Steve. “He seems to be getting stronger as he melts,” muses Dr. Ted in brilliantly illogical fashion. I would take you through the entire story, but I wouldn’t want to spoil it for you, as I am sure you will now be clamouring for a copy. Still have doubts? You need look no further than quotes on the VHS cover:

"One of my all-time faves."

by none other than Michael Lee?????

This film will run and run....A good old fashioned monster movie."

Allan Bryce, Video World.....isn't that the video shop around the corner that closed down 10 years back? Oh and is that Allan Bryce who now works in Asda?